The Ten Best Ways To Announce That You Don’t Own That Car

Sometimes it is cool to own something with a car logo on it. Mainly only a car though. These 10 things are NOT cars…

10. Bentley Luggage Tag (NZ$54)

Brilliant! Not only does this say that in all likelihood you DON’T own a Bentley, it also tells everyone that you spent a silly amount of money on a small luggage tag, and therefore probably have nice things worth stealing tucked away in your bag ― ‘cos even if you’re not actually rich enough to buy a Bentley, you’re pretentious enough to want to pretend you are, so therefore you probably do have stuff worth nicking.

You just won’t be able to afford to replace it, that’s all…

9. Maserati Dice (NZ$97)

Ah, class and sophistication. The Maserati trident emblem and the cool blue colour scheme has always seemed more classy and sophisticated than the more showy Ferrari prancing horse and scarlet red.

Maserati is more urbane and refined. Maserati is more understated and elegant. Maserati is…aw hell, no amount of flowery prose can hide the fact that you just spent nearly a hundred bucks on a set of dice. A SET OF DICE FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!!!!
No one is going to be fooled. Just because you have an over-priced set of aluminium dice, it doesn’t change the fact that you probably have a ten-year old Fiat Punto sitting in the garage.

8. Porsche Golf Bag and Trolley (Bag: NZ$440. Trolley: NZ$2,600)

“Why, thank you. It’s a Porsche golf bag, you know.”

“Oh…”

“Yes, but the really exciting part is the trolley. It’s also Porsche-branded. Isn’t the minimalist design exquisite? The pair of them cost me over three thousand dollars, but I just love them”

“Well, that’s nice. I suppose it’s sleek, compact design means it easily fits into a 911?”

“Uh… I have no idea…”

7. Aston Martin Emergency Phone Charger (NZ$163)

A classy leather pouch holds an emergency battery pack and a wide selection of mobile phone jacks to enable you to make that urgent phone call when your mobile has gone dead. Of course, you could just have bought a car charger for your phone and plugged it into the 12V socket in the dash of your Aston Martin.

Oh, wait a minute, that’s right ― YOU DON’T OWN AN ASTON MARTIN!

This is just such an elegant and high-class way of letting everybody know that…

6. Nissan GT-R Attache Case (NZ$6,234)

Carbon Fibre ― great for making bits of racing cars strong, yet light, and bugger-all else. Other than slapping it on over-priced bits of crap that also happen to have the badge of the latest trendy performance car on them, that is…

The latest victim of this badge-based scramble for filthy cash is the Nissan GT-R, the hysterically lauded 911-beater from the land of the rising sun. Well now the GT-R has beaten Porsche in another way ― it has a far more ridiculous branding exercise than the Germans have ever managed: a carbon fibre attache case that sells for more than $6,000…

It’s simply a more expensive way of getting your stuff nicked than the Bentley luggage tag…

5. Maserati “Trident Lounge Journey” CD (NZ$47)

This is actually quite cool ― a CD of Maserati engine sounds. Oh, wait. No, it’s not, it’s simply a collection of music that, according to Maserati’s web site “represents a select compilation ranging from the bossanova to sophisticated lounge ambience. A fascinating musical journey.”

A load of bollocks, more like.

A CD of cheesy lounge music that no one who actually owned a Maserati would ever bother with. Buy this, sit it strategically in your lounge and give your guests something to laugh about when you leave the room.

4. Ferrari Modena Challenge Sunglasses (NZ$700)

“It’s a bit bright, isn’t it? I’d better put my sunglasses on”

“Oh, those are nice sunglasses! Where did you get them?”

“These old things? I got them from Europe. They’re Ferrari Modena Challenge sunglasses. They have carbonium details on the nose bridge and carbon fibre sections on the arms, mirroring the luxurious dashboards of the most famous Ferrari cars. There’s a Ferrari logo engraved on the arm and a silver Prancing Horse on the external part of the temple tip. They cost me $700, you know.”

“Oh, very nice. Do you own a Ferrari?”

“Um… no…”

3. Lamborghini Mobile Phone (NZ$2,740)

Absolutely nothing screams that you DON’T own a Lamborghini louder than whipping out your Raging Bull-branded phone, no doubt in response to the roaring engine that you have set as a ring tone. Except of course, the roar is neutered to a shrill buzz by the phones tiny, crappy speaker, just making you look like a tosser instead.

But the level of tosser-ness will dramatically increase when people find out that you paid nearly three grand for a phone. Which they will, because being a massive tosser you will inevitably feel compelled to tell them.

Just because you drop close to $3,000 on a phone, doesn’t mean you’re rich enough to buy a Lamborghini. It just means you’re extremely gullible…

2. Lamborghini Pencil Box (NZ$20)

“Wow, that’s a nice Lamborghini phone!”

“Yeah, it cost me $2,700. What’s your phone number, maybe I’ll use it to call you someday”

“Wow! Here I’ll write my phone number down for you. Do you have a pen?”

“Here, use my Lamborghini pencil.”

“Pencil? Do you own a… No. No, you don’t do you…”

1. Ferrari Segway (NZ$14,300)

No one, I repeat, no one can compare to Ferrari when it comes to whoring out their name for the sake of separating pretentious twats from their money. Everything from a NZ$328 pen holder (pens NOT included…) up to a 2001 F1 race engine on a stand for NZ$81-freakin-thousand is available from their online store.

It seems that the only thing you can’t buy from the Ferrari store is good taste.

You can, oddly enough though, buy the ultimate anti-Ferrari ― a Segway. Think about that for a second ― a Ferrari is fast, sexy and invariably draped with gorgeous women. A Segway is slow, odd and invariably draped with a geek.

If you really owned a Ferrari, you would only have contempt for the rider of a Segway as you blast past them, hopefully clipping them with a wing mirror as you go…

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