People who enjoy the use of many, many words when few will do REJOICE – Ron is back!
To celebrate the return of Ron Dennis and his almost magical ability with words, we present to you a column I wrote way back in 2009 for DRIVER magazine. I wrote the column as an open letter to Bernie Ecclestone bemoaning the fact that he had managed to squeeze out two of the very few interesting people left in the sport at the end of that season – Ron Dennis and Flavio Briatore.
Well, Ron is back and Bernie’s position at the head of F1 is looking shakier than it ever has. As Ron would say, I guess the covering device optimised for comfort, grip and stability is on the other anatomical structure that is the terminal portion of a limb which bears weight and allows locomotion now, isn’t it?
Let’s hope Flav decides to make a comeback too!
Here is the column:
Dear Bernie,
A while ago I wrote to you saying that I figured out what was wrong with Formula One. Remember? I told you it was because it was packed with very boring people who looked good in sponsor-emblasoned race suits and spouted media friendly, politically correct sound bites that used words, but actually said nothing.
Well you obviously didn’t pay any attention to that, because since then you (or “the FIA” as we laughingly like to call that funny little shambling organisation you let pretend to run the “sport”) have squeezed out two of the few interesting people left in Formula One.
I am referring to two people who would still actually use lots of words to say very little, but at least they would do it in vastly amusing ways. I am of course referring to Ron and Flav.
I realise that Formula One has a very short memory for those it scatters haphazardly by the wayside, so let me refresh your memory: the Ron I refer to is Ron Dennis, that disconcertingly bland bloke who used to run McLaren and who your old mate Maxie despised. After much trying, and unnecessarily large fines, Maxie finally managed to make Ron fall on his Mont Blanc sword after that lovely little Lewis Hamilton told a few innocent porkies to officials.
But you must remember Flav, Bernie. Flavio Briatore? The bloke who was recently banned forever from even thinking about Formula One because a driver who he fired for basically being crap went and whinged to anyone who would listen that he was forced to crash so that the Spanish bloke with the big eyebrows who drove the other car could win a race.
Given that the driver in question was Piquet Jr, it does stand to reason that Flav probably DID ask him to crash, but Bernie, you and I both know it was more likely to be because he’d simply gotten sick of asking him NOT to crash and just decided to embrace the inevitable…
The reasons why they have been squeezed out of F1 are now largely irrelevant, but do you realise what you have done? You’ve gotten rid of the last two people in the game who were actually a bit fun!
Now I realise that accusing Ron Dennis of being “fun” is like accusing a carrot of being a Zeppelin, but his remarkable ability to use lots of very big words to meticulously describe a simple concept was startlingly amusing.
Flav, on the other hand, was all kinds of fun rolled up in a big silver-haired, fake tanned, English language-mangling bundle.
Take, for example, the simple sentence “This is my mobile phone. I can carry it in my pocket and use it to call people wherever I am”
Ron would turn it into something fantastically complicated like “This is my personal digital communication device. It has been optimised for maximum portability in order to facilitate convenient and immediate contact between parties while in a mobile situation”
Whereas Flav would elevate it into pure art with something like “You know, is like the make talk, yes? To make the speak is nice, to the pretty ladies, hmmm? Is small like short man, you know? Fit nice in trouser. To make the mouth noise through the air is very special thing, for words to travel, eh? To the pretty ladies. Nice…”
We’re going to miss that kind of mangled verbiage in Formula One Bernie. You mark my words…
Yours truly,
An Interested Observer.
